Between yesterday and today, I had around 8 hours in the car to myself; thinking time I refer to as my windshield therapy. I was never more than 50 miles from home, so it’s not like these were long trips. There were just a lot of errands that needed to be run in the lead up to my wife’s business grand opening. Add those hours to the three I spent at the studio last night framing, hanging and finishing odd carpentry work and I had nearly 12 hours to think.
What did I think about? Well, I thought a lot about my thinking. Specifically the fact that over the last few years I had been doing too much thinking and not enough “actioning”. Yes, that realization was part of the reason that I committed to this Better Man in 2013 idea, but I still find myself struggling at times to take action on ideas.
I tend to fall back on the ol’ standby excuse: I have a family to provide for, therefore I have to do what is paying the bills. But the truth is, that is just a convenient way of me saying that I fear being uncomfortable. I don’t want my children or wife to want for anything, so I continue with the same old same old every day. I’ve put side my own dreams and goals, at times, in an effort to make sure they’re taken care of. But I have to wonder – would my daughters and son be happier if they saw me pursuing my own dreams and, in the process, inspiring them to pursue theirs?
When I left for Masterchef last spring, I told myself that I was willing to give up the time at home with them in the hopes that they would learn to overcome their own fears to pursue achievements. Of course, I wasn’t in L.A. as long as I would have liked, but I hope the story can get the point across to them someday. More importantly, though, am I living in such a way to inspire them these days?
I don’t know. I have several ideas and business plans floating around in this noggin. I want to open a restaurant/bar; I’d love to help my wife open the B&B she’s always desired; there is a finished business plan for a software program several other guys and I have been stalled on, and it needs full attention; I have some great lines of products that could really sell well in the area if I could spend proper time on them; I want my kids to grow up in a foreign country, even for just a few years; I want to run for local office…
See what I mean? My head is full of ideas, but we’re not talking little goals here (learn karate, climb a mountain, skydive); these are big life-altering choices.
And I’m scared.
I’m not afraid to admit it.
I fact, I’m not even going to reread this post to edit it, because I want my raw fear and emotion and thoughts to come through.
I’m afraid that any one of those would bring pain to my family in the form of hardship.
(but hardship can come in any form, even in the safest of lifestyles)
I’m afraid that I might fail.
(you’ll never know if you don’t try)
I’m afraid that I won’t fail.
(gee, then what?)
So you see, I find myself in paralysis by analysis. While the little cogs are all in motion and making great strides, as evidenced by my achievements noted on this blog, the big wheel just ain’t turning yet.
Thus, I ask you to help me here. Prayers would be great, but conversation even moreso. What are your thoughts? What is your advice? Do you have something your refraining from, and why? Can we get through this together? Am I nuts?
I guess there isn’t much of a point to this post, other than to get these thoughts out. Thanks for reading, and I really, really would love to hear what you have to say. And please, post this link on your Facebook or twitter page, because I welcome- no, I would deeply and humbly appreciate- all sorts of advice and viewpoints. Go ahead, say something like “this guy wants your thoughts” or “check out this loon” or however you feel about this post, but please, help me out.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m camping in the backyard tonight with my oldest daughter (3 years old) and I hear her snoring in the tent. I think that is my cue to put the fire out and crawl into my sleeping bag beside hers.
I really look forward to hearing from you.